This article is one part rant, and one part public service announcement. You, or someone you know, may be ruining the Internet for everyone else. Keep reading; it gets better.

I’m here on my soapbox today to inform you that Internet Explorer 6 is your worst enemy. The nerd you picked on back in grade school, who now views you with contempt and loathing, would love nothing more than for you to still be using Internet Explorer 6. It makes his job much easier. Big companies that like to sneak their spyware onto your machine for the purposes of watching what you do on the Internet and bogging your computer down to the point where to refuses to run at all like it too. With me so far?

If you have no idea what any of this even means, I am most definitely talking to you. I completely understand that there are those out there that just aren’t as up on their techno-babble as others. And historically that’s been fine; you do your thing, we’ll do ours, and things will be fine. Everyone should have access to the Internet, even those who don’t have a master’s degree in computer science. I’m totally onboard with that.

But that’s also the problem. As much as we want you, even need you to be on the Internet, your general lack of understanding about how it all works means that you may still be using Internet Explorer 6. In order for the Internet to advance, and for your own protection, this must change. You must update your browser, or you shouldn’t be allowed on—and believe me, if major players like Google and Facebook have their way, very soon, it won’t be a choice at all, but an ultimatum. The websites you visit everyday will soon look weird and won’t work correctly, if they let you in at all. In that way, I’m looking out for you, acting with only your best interests at heart.

That’s great. What’s a browser?

No worries. A browser is a type of computer program. Ok, say you want to write an essay. You open your word processor, like Word. Say you wanted to listen to a song. You open your media player, like Windows Media Player or iTunes. If you want to browse the Internet, you open your browser. See? “Internet Explorer” is the name of the default browser option on Windows-based computers—it’s what comes pre-loaded. If you’re running Windows XP, and you never update your software, it’s entirely possible that you’re still using Internet Explorer version 6, your worst enemy.

Am I using Internet Explorer 6?

If you’re a Mac user, no—this conversation doesn’t concern you whatsoever. People with newer PCs running Windows Vista don’t have anything to worry about either. You’re fine. But if you’re running any other Windows platform, including XP, you might be. The easy way to tell is to look at your icons. If your browser icon, usually on the desktop (the one with the background picture), is a blue “e” with a yellow ring, you’re fine. But if you’re icon appears as a solid blue “e”—you, my friend, are exactly who I’m talking to. Shame.

Why is Internet Explorer 6 so bad?

It’s too old. It was made and released long ago, at a time when the Internet was a much different place. Between then and now, the Internet has come a long, long way, and Internet Explorer 6 hasn’t kept up (new versions of Internet Explorer have been released for just this reason). Your immediate concern should be its lack of security and privacy—you’re a sitting duck for evil nerds who like to wreak havoc on other people’s computers and gain access to their personal information. You don’t want this anymore than I do. More importantly, the Internet has matured a lot in the last several years, but it’s to the point where it can’t mature any more with Internet Explorer 6 still lingering around, refusing to die. It’s become a hindrance to the progress of mankind. Simply put, it needs to go for the good of everyone, and for the good of the Internet.

Balls. Ok, what do I do?

Actually, you have some choices; all are free of charge, and all have the advantage of being newer, more compliant with current standards (they run better), and are all leaps and bounds safer to use.

If your techno-babble level is zero, I recommend you abandon Internet Explorer entirely and switch it over to Google Chrome. A monkey could use Chrome, and without a lot of extra fluff weighing it down, it’s fast. This is the perfect solution for little old ladies and small children. You just have to go get it. Just click on the link and follow the instructions. My wife likes this one a lot.

If you’re looking for something a little more customizable and cool, I recommend switching to Mozilla Firefox, the browser of choice amongst most of us in the know. There are tons of free add-ons to make your browsing experience much more personalized. This is what I use.

Or maybe you’re all about Microsoft stuff. You have an Xbox 360 and a Zune, and you want to keep all your stuff, well, in the family. Or maybe you’ve never used anything besides Internet Explorer, and you want to keep your user experience as similar as possible to what it’s been over the years. People like you should head on over to the Microsoft website and pick up the most recent iteration of Internet Explorer, IE8. Not a bad choice at all, but definitely not my favorite.

There are other, more specialized options too—Flock, Opera, Safari, Konquerer, Amaya, Seamonkey, all good browsers which I have listed here for the sake of being thorough, and to demonstrate just how many choices are available.

Sweet. Thanks for that.

No problem, but remember, I didn’t write this for my health. I wrote it because people that create websites are sick of having to dumb down their designs in order to accommodate you, and they shouldn’t have to. People that run websites want, and should be free to use whatever new web technology comes their way without fear of leaving you behind. We shouldn’t be expected to carry you any longer. As far as I’m concerned, the burden of keeping you connected to the Internet is now squarely on your shoulders. Please take care of this immediately.

No, don’t hit the back button and leave it for later, you stubborn ass. Do it now. Right now!